I have a stalker.
I mean the nice, generally innocuous, roll-your-eyes-and-move-on sort of stalker, not the creepy, restraining order, oh-God-can’t-leave-the-house-without-Mace type. He is a strange old man of presumably Asian descent. I say ‘presumably’ because…I’ve never actually met him in person. He somehow found my work number this fall and has been calling me on a weekly basis since then.
Given that he’s a funny old Asian man, I’ll call him Pai Mei:
He called me no less than 3 times last Monday, Valentine’s Day Eve. The first time I was on the phone with a patient. The second time, I figured it was him and ignored the call because there was no way I could blow half an hour of my day listening to him ramble. The third time, I had stepped out of the office and walked back in to this voicemail. Which is transcribed thusly. Word for word.
Hi Caroline, this is Pai Mei. At [insert his phone number here] I’m calling about, what time is it, 4:21? Just to wish you a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Right. Only before. So that you get it tomorrow. Although you might have taken the holiday off. I think today too you’re off. Because, you know, you haven’t returned my calls. Any of them. So all the best until the time that I call you again. Or that you call me, whatever the case is. Right? I’m still taking care of my health. And thanks a lot. Have a good day, dear. Enjoy! God bless! Bye bye!
I have learned to expect this from Pai Mei (more on this later). But I couldn’t help but sit at my desk, phone to my ear, snickering about this absurd start to my Valentine’s Day.
It all continued to be absurd, but that’s for Valentine’s Day, Part 2……